Written Confessions
by TheWickedQuill
Summary: Max expresses herself on paper... MAOneshot.


**Written Confessions**

Title: **Written Confessions**  
Author: jracklesfan77  
Rating: G  
Show: Dark Angel  
Genre? (How do I categorize this?)  
Pairing: Like you don't know!  
Type: Stand Alone  
Summary: Max expresses herself on paper

Max sat down wearily at her desk. She rubbed her temples in an attempt to relieve some of the tension she was feeling. With a sigh, she picked up a pad of paper and a pen and began to write...

Alec,

I have started this letter a thousand times. I never seem to get past the first couple sentences.

I have wanted to tell you how much you mean to me.

But I am a relentless bitch - imagine me actually TELLING you how I feel? What a joke. I don't know what it is that prevents me from opening up to you, telling you my deepest feelings, thoughts, desires... Oh god, this is hard.

I know that this letter will end up alongside the rest of them, in a heap in the trash.

But it helps me to put pen to paper so to speak. Air my thoughts...

I want to say so many things and I just don't know where to start.

Firstly, you ARE NOT BEN. I don't see you as him. He had such cold ruthlessness in his eyes. He was lost and scared and so alone. He wasn't the strong, sweet brother I remembered. It pained me to death to see how far gone he was. Your eyes hold such warmth, understanding, concern, love...Oh god how could I have been so blind not to see how expressive your eyes are - baring your soul to the world?

Secondly, you may have made your mistakes, but so have I. A screw-up? Not for the longest time. You have become all that I want to be. Strong; a soldier, yet carefree in the way that you live your life. You have such vitality! Sometimes I want to choke you for your easy laughter. I wish I could laugh like you.

I have managed to bury my emotions so deeply inside that I don't know if I will ever get them out again. I used to laugh and have fun and go out and LIVE. My greatest worries were how much I could fence something for or whether I could come up with rent. I loved the night, when I was free to roam the city either on my baby or just by hopping rooftops. I felt so free.

And then I met Logan. Jesus, what a mess of a relationship that was. I suppose it was the fact that he knew what I was and seemed to accept me for it. I was manipulated into being his E.O. slave. I thought I owed him something. All it seems to have done for me was hold me back. Make me bitter. Deny myself and all I was designed, bred and raised to be. It was never love, Alec. NEVER. I deluded myself into believing we were meant to be so that I didn't have to face my real feelings. So I wouldn't show weakness. That's how I saw love. As a weakness. Something to lower my defences, the shields that kept me safe.

I need to find myself again. And I can see myself doing that with you. How could I have been so terribly stupid!

Maybe one day you will forgive me. I need your friendship so desperately. If anything ever happened to you...let's just say that a world without you wouldn't be worth living in.

Alec, please be happy. Keep smiling and laughing and remember how important you are to your friends. We need you. I need you. I...I love you.

...

Seeing as I won't be sending this to you anyway, its the safest way for me to admit my feelings. Who's to know besides me?

Dream sweet dreams, my love.

Max. 

Max let out a soft sigh as she crumpled the letter into a ball and tossed it to the bin, never noticing that it missed its mark.

She rose from her desk and walked out of her office. 

A short while later, Alec knocked on the door. There was no answer. "Max?" he called. Hmm, she must have gone back to her apartment already.

He stepped into the room and went over to the desk to retrieve the report he and Max had been working on earlier. Alec had promised to finish up at the end of the day, leaving her with some much needed free time.

He stopped suddenly and bent to pick up a discarded, balled-up piece of paper. Curiosity got the better of him. Hey, what's a guy to do, feline DNA and all?

Alec smoothed the paper in front of him and began to read. He whistled slightly, a slow smile lighting on his face.

"So she loves me, does she?" he muttered, chuckling softly.

Alec quickly exited the room, blurring down through the halls of T.C., all the while yelling "MAX!" 

OK, one of my first attempts. So sue me! Shana> 

Please review! Thanx! 


End file.
